A Truth Universally Acknowledged
by Rule23
Summary: It's a truth universally acknowledged that Hermione Granger and Severus Snape hate each other ... and the staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry like to take bets on just how much. HG/SS


**Disclaimer: Anything you recognise belongs to the incomparable J. K. Rowling.**

A Truth Universally Acknowledged

It was a truth universally acknowledged that Severus Snape and Hermione Granger hated each other.

"Okay, I've got three to one on him not using the phrase 'insufferable know-it-all,' five to one on her using it, and ten to one on her slapping him," Rolanda Hooch said, consulting her notes as the teachers began to arrive for their weekly staff meeting.

"I'll take the action on him not saying it," Minerva McGonagall said, slipping three galleons into the kitty.

"I'll take the slap action," Filius Flitwick squeaked as he counted out five fat gold coins.

"I'll ta-"

"You'll take nothing, Septima. I've told you before and I'll tell you again, I don't gamble with arithmancers." Septima Vector practically pouted.

"What if it's something completely outlandish?"

"Such as?" Hooch asked looking sceptical.

Septima cupped a hand over the flying instructor's ear and whispered.

"Ten to one," Hooch exclaimed, scribbling rapidly in her notebook as Septima dropped a fistful of galleons into the pot.

The clock struck five and everyone hurriedly took their seats, Hooch scooping up the offending bag and tucking it into her robes, as the Headmaster strode in. Severus Snape swept in next, allowing the door to swing shut into Hermione Granger's face. She glared at him and found a seat on the opposite side of the table to him.

"Good afternoon," Albus Dumbledore greeted his staff with a smile and a twinkle. "I hope you've all had a wonderful week."

Severus rolled his eyes and Hermione muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "nasty pillock" under her breath.

"Does anybody have anything they'd like to add to the agenda before we get started?"

Hermione's hand shot up into the air.

"You're not in the classroom, Miss Granger. You hardly need to raise your hand," Severus drawled.

"Then why do you insist on calling me 'Miss Granger'?"

"Perhaps if you stop raising your hand like a silly, little schoolgirl-"

"Enough, Severus," Albus said forcefully. "What would you like to add to the agenda, Hermione?"

"I'd like to talk about the ridiculous point losses Gryffindor appears to be incurring on an almost daily basis."

Albus flipped open his points ledger and ran a gnarled finger down the page. "I think that's a reasonable request." Severus rolled his eyes.

"I'd like to discuss the current hormone crisis," Minerva added. "I can barely patrol two corridors without stumbling onto a snogging couple."

"I've walked in on things going further than snogging!" Pomona Sprout interjected. "The other day, I caught Miss Vane with far more than just Mr Abernathy's tongue in her mouth."

Some of the teachers looked horrified, others simply tried to suppress their giggles.

"Aren't they fourth years?" Hermione gasped.

"Why are you so surprised, _Miss Granger_? Wasn't it you I caught with Mr Krum's hands down your knickers during the Triwizard Tournament?"

"Really, Severus!" Minerva said, shocked.

"Yes, _Severus_, I hardly think the contents of my knickers is an appropriate topic of conversation for a staff meeting," Hermione snarled.

"Would you prefer to discuss it afterwards instead?"

SMACK.

A bright red handprint decorated Severus's cheek and Hermione sat back down, shaking out her stinging hand. Filius only managed to keep his fist pump beneath the table by the virtue of his diminutive stature.

"Did you see that?" Severus appealed to the Headmaster. "She assaulted me."

"I nearly assaulted you myself," Albus said. "If you want to avoid being smacked, don't bring a woman's knickers up in public."

Hermione looked at him smugly.

"As to the rampant hormones, I'll recast the libido-dampening wards in the corridors. It's been a while since they've been revamped." Albus made a note in his planner. "Now, looking at the points, there does seem to have been an inordinate quantity of points taken from Gryffindor over the past week. Severus?"

"Why are you asking me?" Severus said, voice even.

"Because, my boy, each and every one of these deductions has your name next to it," Albus explained gently.

"And I stand by each and every one. Have you not noticed what week it is next week?"

"I have no idea what you're referring to."

"It's Weasley Week!" Albus looked as confused as ever but understanding dawned on many of the other faces surrounding the table. The anniversary of the Weasley Twins' departure from Hogwarts was celebrated in Gryffindor House every year and led to raucously high spirits and an increased number of pranks.

"But that's next week, Severus," Hermione said snidely. "Why on Earth are you taking points now?"

"Because, _Miss Granger_, the reminder of harsh consequences for misbehaviour serves as a deterrent for the week itself, lowering the risk of dangerous accidents in the Potions classroom. I'd have thought an insufferable know-it-all such as yourself would have managed that simple leap of logic." He sneered at her outraged expression.

A loud slamming noise turned heads towards Minerva, her hand splayed flat against the table. "Um, sorry, everyone. I thought a saw a billywig land on the table."

"No matter, my dear," Albus said, waving away her apology. "Severus, please be less exuberant with your point deductions in the future."

"As you wish, Headmaster."

"Now, if that's everything you all have to add?" He looked around the table to check that everyone was happy. They were all smiling or listening attentively. Everyone except Severus and Hermione anyway, who were glaring daggers at each other. "Great! Let's get on to the real reason I called you all together. As I'm sure you've noticed, in the five years since the war, the magical population has not been recovering very quickly. In fact, birth rates have dropped fifteen percent as our younger generations have become more career orientated than in previous years." He smiled at Hermione.

"Now the Ministry has decided to step in to remedy this situation."

"You don't mean … ?" Pomona asked, face going pale.

"I'm afraid I do," Albus said gravely.

The older members of staff looked saddened whilst the younger just gaped between Albus and Pomona, confused.

"The Ministry, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to reinstate the Marriage Law. As of tomorrow, all wizards of reasonable child-bearing age will be required to marry within the month, those who fail to do so will be assigned a marriage partner by the Ministry."

Everyone started talking at once.

"Well, shit!"

"Interfering busybodies!"

"Can't do this to our graduates!"

"What does child-bearing age even mean?"

Albus clapped his hands for silence and all complied.

"Those between the ages of twenty-one and forty-five will be required to marry and birth a child within a year."

"Bugger!" Severus exclaimed loudly.

"Why are _you_ worrying?" Hermione asked. "It means someone will finally have shag you."

"Why you insolent, little chit, I pity the man who gets stuck with a harridan like you!"

"Stuck with? I'm sure whomever I marry will be delighted!" Hermione's voice became shrill.

"Delighted to leave for work each morning, more like!"

Hermione jumped to her feet and Severus mirrored her from across the table.

"You great swooping bat!"

"At least you've noticed I'm great, you half-baked, over-exuberant, spoilt little princess!"

"That is not what I meant and you know it."

"If I could save someone from having to marry you, I would," Severus bellowed.

"And I'd save any poor girl I could from being saddled with you!"

"Well, I think we've got a solution then!"

"Oh, yeh? What's that?"

"You should marry me."

"Maybe I should!"

"Great!"

"Fine!"

They both sat down with a huff, arms folded and glaring at each other.

"Erm, right …" Albus looked completely flustered. "I think that's everything for today. Enjoy your weekends!"

Hermione and Severus were the first to leave, scuffling over who got to use the door, and storming off in opposite directions.

"Pay up," Septima said, holding her hand out towards Hooch.

"Will you take an IOU? I don't have enough gold on me."

* * *

_Ten minutes later in Hermione's quarters_ _…_

"That, my dear, was a wonderful performance," Severus said, kissing his fiancé.

"I could say the same for you! Where on Earth did you come up with 'half-baked, over-exuberant, spoilt little princess'?" she asked, pushing him onto the couch and sitting in his lap.

"I was improvising."

"You were right, though," she said, kissing the handprint that still graced her husband-to-be's face.

"I usually am. Why was I right this time?"

"That was by far the best way to announce our relationship to the rest of the staff."

"So good of Lucius to send us a heads up."

**THE END**


End file.
